There are many things I want to instill in my child(ren). Things I learned from experience, from observance, and from obedience. One thing I really hope my children have is compassion for and a defense of the underdog. I don't know why I've thought of the following experience recently, but it's actually been on my mind a lot.
Because I grew up in a relatively small city, I went to school with many of the same people for 12 years. One of the girls in my grade got picked on in junior high (it mortifies me I can't recall whether high school was easier for her). She was picked on a lot. One incident is vivid in my memory: the teacher's back was turned and a boy kicked her. The whole class erupted in laughter. She crawled under a table and accused, "You kicked me!", which only prompted more laughter from her classmates and tears from herself.
I can't remember why she was picked on. Who knows how bullies choose their victims. As I look at this girl with adult eyes, though, I realize there were probably things going on in her life that made her a target--abuse, neglect, money issues, etc. The adult in me cringes that my little 12ish-year-old self didn't even think about walking in her shoes and never came to her defense.
In school I was fortunately insulated from the nasty kids. I don't know why. Was it my type-A, take-no-crap personality? Was my confidence a deterrent because I wouldn't be a fun victim? Did my sassy attitude show I could take it and dish it back worse? I don't know. But I wish I had taken that blanket of social safety and wrapped it around that poor girl. I wish I had, at least once, told the kids to leave her alone.
I know why I did nothing: I didn't want to become the focus of the nasty little junior high hecklers. Isn't that horrible? Because I was afraid of being negatively noticed, I let it go. Granted, I never participated in being mean (I'm so glad I wasn't one of those kids), but I also never befriended or defended the friendless picked-on girl.
I hope I can teach Nadine the importance of defending those who are unable or unwilling to defend themselves. And I hope she's the kind of person who will do so, no matter the perceived cost.
8 comments:
I actually think about this kind of stuff too. I hope that I am able to raise kids who are kind to everyone and kids that will stand up and defend those who need it. I just think that if it were my kid being picked on I'd hope that there would be someone to stand up for them and be their friend.
That's so sad. I think about people who got picked on like that too. And I was just as bad... always too afraid of looking "uncool" if I stood up for some other uncool person.
A lady in my ward once told me that she constantly tells her daughters, "There will always be someone prettier than you. There will always be someone smarter than you. But there NEVER has to be anyone nicer than you." I love that. And maybe it would help young girls grow up with a true understanding of what's really important in life.
I bet you will be successful in teaching your kids compassion. Especially since you are so aware of it and will make a special effort. Nowadays, the schools focus a lot minimizing bullying, too. You guys are nice parents and your kids will be nice too.....
I knew a girl like that in middle school as well--I think about her more often than I do most people from high school. I hope she has forgiven me for not standing up for her.
If nothing else, I would like her to know that I learned (years later) from her experiences and I now act on my belief that no one deserves such treatment or the tacit approval that comes when everyone else does nothing.
Oh, this is sweet Jen. I have had those same thoughts and I've already had little talks with Reese about this very subject because it worries me so. I bet it starts way younger than we even think. I love what Megan said about the "never has to be anyone nicer than you." I will definitely be using that.
I am wondering if we are thinking of the same person. I always wonder about her as well. Wish I could have done more. I know I didn't laugh, but I didn't help either. I got picked on a few times until they realized who my brothers were....sad times we grow up in, but it also makes us stronger and hopefully by seeing this growing up, we can change it for out children.
I hesitated to stand up for kids because they were in defense mode, and if I in any way addressed them, they ignored me or lashed out at me. And then I was embarrassed for even trying. but it is so sad that they get into such a defensive mode. Like they think everyone is out to get them. I wish i could have gotten over the fear of being embarrassed by the victim's reaction and just stood up for the poor kids who were picked on anyway. I can stand criticism from jerkfaces; it's a little harder when it comes from a place I'm trying to help.
Jen, that is beautifully and poignantly and movingly written. Too bad we are not allowed to turn back the sands of time. But the future will always be full of bullies for us to deal with.
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