Annie Get Your Gun (or, A 'Slate'-worthy Rant)

At a recent book club, the topic of conversation turned to giving birth (why, in groups of mothers, does the conversation nearly always devolve into birth stories? I enjoy telling mine, but my goodness! I also enjoy a break from talking about children.).

I started thinking about birth stories, different ways of giving birth, the fact women judge each other about their birthing choices, and women judging each other in general. Why do we do this to each other? Why do some women enjoy patting themselves on the back, engaging in one-upmanship, and smugly humming the song, “Anything you can do I can do better”? I wish women would be supportive of each other and celebrate any success in the very difficult job that is motherhood.

For me, the most frustrating “debate” is epidural vs no epidural.

I had an epidural. I loved it. I will have one again. Me having an epidural doesn’t make me any less of a mother. I still carried a baby for nine months and then propelled her from my body. I don’t expect judgment or praise for doing what I did; it is what it is. I made an educated and informed decision, and other women make their own (hopefully) educated and informed decisions to have a baby at home, in a hospital without having an epidural, and via cesarean section (collectively, my favorite people have used all of these methods).

Drugs, no drugs (I can’t stand the term “natural;” the very act of removing a baby from your body is natural, as is taking drugs to alleviate pain), C-section—all are valid ways to have a baby. No method is superior to the others, and no woman should feel less of a mother because of the method she chose or what was deemed medically necessary for her. Carrying and giving birth to a baby is tough and painful, and for that alone we should support each other (and when I say "don’t judge," I also mean do not militantly recruit others to your way of doing things; scare tactics are nasty).

Some women have babies in a hospital, some women don’t have epidurals, and some women are unable to naturally have babies—all methods are valid and deserve no judgment. We’re all in the same boat, ladies! We’re trying to raise children to become responsible, productive, interesting, non-annoying adults. Why can’t we all just get along?

I truly don’t understand this phenomenon. Do some women feel diminished if another woman has a different birth experience than hers? This doesn’t happen in any other area of medicine. When someone has her appendix removed, the following exchange never happens: 

Oh, you had surgery? Did you go natural?

WHAT?! How selfish of you to use anesthesia. Your experience was so diminished.

Don’t you know hospitals are dangerous?

When my appendix was removed, I didn’t have any drugs. It was removed at home. By my neighbor.

I’m going to give you some web sites full of anecdotal evidence about why your choice is wrong.

I’m also going to show you a video full of anecdotal propaganda about why your choice is wrong.

Next time you have an organ removed, you really should do it my way.

Seriously. Isn’t that an odd exchange? Yet a variation of the above conversation happens every time women discuss giving birth. Some women smugly insist their way is superior than another way, and this is incorrect and unfair. There are many ways to do a good thing.

Why do we judge the choices other moms make? Except in the cases of child abuse and smoking around children (and other practices that have actual scientific, verifiable evidence of their negative effects), we shouldn't question what other parents do. Most women are doing the best they can do, and we should support that. There are many different, effective, positive ways to give birth to and raise children. My way of doing it is no less valid than yours, even if it is different.

Stop judging. Stop it.