easily survive marriage, the people who try hard to still be my friends, and the friendships that aren't strong enough to withstand major life changes but that I thought could. It's so interesting.Girl time is important for women, and I think time away from your spouse is good for your marriage, too. So why do some people have such a hard time with it? I don't know if people assume newlyweds are too busy for girl time; if it's just a good excuse to sever ties; or if we've all had a friend or two who disappeared the moment she became a "Mrs." and we became jaded, so we automatically assume all married women will disappear.
How do you know when to cut a friendship loose? How often do you try to keep a friendship going before you're allowed to stop trying and still feel good about yourself (the guilt complex hard-wired into us is a tough thing to defy, huh)? Married women losing friends is such a pervasive phenomenon, something I have been thinking about for a while but haven't voiced until now. Is it the married woman's fault and primary responsibility, the friends', or a little bit of both? Or should we thank the friendship gods for letting us have friends in all stages of our lives--some who have a place and impact in specific seasons, and the very few who adapt and last? Do we then keep friendships in their proper seasons and look back with fond memories, and look forward to the future of others who will be in and out of our lives but whose presence has an effect nonetheless?
16 comments:
I hear ya! I have faced this problem my whole life I think, not just in marriage. Any life changing moment has caused a loss of friendships for me: moving, marriage, new friends, new hobbies, etc. I feel like I am always the one putting forth the effort to hold on to the friendship. Only in the last year or so do I feel I have such great friends now that I don't have to pull teeth to keep them close!
That's a great question. I am a relationship person. I like keeping in touch with people. I had a lot of people lose touch with me because they weren't married also. I guess they figured we didn't have anything in common anymore. Not true! I'm so grateful you stayed my friend!! I'm glad we've kept in touch.
I don't know the answers, but I do know this; true story: When I moved back into town a few of my friends and I went out to dinner and had a great time, or so I thought. I didn't hear from them again, my insecurities got the best of me and I figured that I had done something and my friends didn't want to be my friends anymore. Now I have made contact with them again and most of them seem happy about it, but who really knows? I just try to think positive. I think that insecurities get the best of all of us sometimes and chances are that those friends, who we are wondering if they still want to be our friends, are wondering the same thing about us. Or so I hope. I would hate to think that someone wouldn't want to be my friend anymore!
Yeah, I think if you try to keep things in common with friends , and make time to keep the friendship alive, friendships can last a long time. I guess both people just have to be willing to put in the same amount of time.
YES, our insecurities totally come out when people "don't want to be our friends anymore." It sounds so junior high, but at the same time I think it really is damaging to us to lose close relationships.
And yeah, it's so hard to be the only one who works hard in friendships. The only person who gets that much attention any more is Todd. :) I'm trying to be better about standing up for myself in friendships.
You are so philosophical right now, I love it! Interesting. I think that, when you get married, your single friends do tend to drop off. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that, especially as an LDS person, your life changes so much when you get married. You don't attend the singles ward anymore and you don't go to the singles activities anymore. You loose that common ground.
I also think that single friends just assume that you need space or that you are in the "honeymoon phase" where you don't want to see anyone but your husband. Or maybe they are just a little bit jealous that you are married and it makes it hard for them to see you so happy when they don't have that.
I have a friend from college that I though I was going to be good friends with forever, but once she got married, she dropped me so fast! It really hurt my feelings, but I have come to realize that I'm awesome and if people don't want to be my friend then that is their loss.
I think you will find too, that some of your single friends will be good friends again once they get married. That has happened to me too. Plus, once you have kids, you make a lot of default friends based on who else has kids your kids ages.
Hang in there. Your friends will trickle back, and if they don't then you don't need them! I will be your friend (and if we ever live close to each other we can have girls nights)!
I feel like I just wrote a novel, but I have actually given this topic a lot of though myself. I'm glad I'm not the only one!!
Good friends are the ones that check your blog. :)
And then leave comments. :)
That's hilarious.
As the 'resident single friend', I find that all the above senarios apply and I didn't think I would experience that 'shift' because I've remained single. But once I moved over to the family ward vs. the single ward, I felt those same feelings. Unfortunately, I let it get the best of me because there was no 'hubby' to lean on. (I'm over that now, thank goodness)
I have learned that just because friendships aren't as 'face to face' as they used to be, doesn't mean that the feelings aren't there anymore. I often think of friends whom I thought would never go away, but did. They are great memories and even though it didn't end bad (things just change), I still think of the gifts they gave me and the lessons I learned from that relationship.
If I ever had the opportunity to see them again. I would welcome it with open arms, but I don't think either friend is 'bad' if the friendship changes.
(Even the friendships that ended bad - I still think fondly of them. There was always more good than bad. I guess I'm the eternal optimist....or at least I want to be.)
Kudos for making your readers/friends think!!! I love it!
I've totally been thinking about this lately too and I haven't even been married a month yet! I starting noticing this when we started dating though. It's sad. I try to think like Rachel but sometimes it still makes me sad. I have to wonder what I did that made them upset with me. I'm starting to realize that things change and that's how it is. And usually, things change for the better not the worse so I try to look forward to what will happen next.
It's so true that friendships ebb and flow, regardless of whether we're married or single. Losing friendships is tough, but I like the idea of having fond memories of the friendship, rather than dwelling on the fact it has ended. That makes it so much easier.
The hard part, then, becomes not being bitter when/if we run into friends who we feel didn't try enough. Letting things roll is my new "still becoming a mature adult" goal.
What good comments you've all had! That's exactly what I was hoping would happen. A support group of sorts, if you will.
I don't have any deep thoughts about loosing friends. However, Chris has started some night classes and so I am a single mom for four nights a week. Want to come over for dinner on a Tuesday or a Wednesday? That will ensure that my children eat something other than pancakes. For some reason, I don't feel the need to cook a real meal if another adult is not there with me. Also, if you want to go to the ward campout (and Lindsay & Aaron aren't going) you can ride with us... if you think you can put up with us for that long...
Friendships are interesting things. I think with marriage, since it is a life change, a lot of people think that you will/have changed. Even if this is or is not true, the general idea is still there, and I think some people start to think you've (meaning the married person) lost some of the things you had in common. Now, the question is whether they (the friend) are okay with the change and losing some common ties and want to continue to get to know the "new" you, or they feel it is not worth the effort and/or they feel like the differences will be too great. That's all the fings I haf to say.
Ok late on the topic but this is one that has bothered me ever since friends started getting married. My best friend from high school got married young and I remember the first few years she wouldn't do anything unless her husband was with us. I mean nothing. It was hard. I promised never to be like that. So when I got married I went out of my way to stay in touch with my roommates who weren't. Then when they got married they just totally dropped off the earth. Sometimes if I dwell on it I get sad that the friendship is no longer there but then I can get mad too and be like why aren't they trying--didn't they enjoy the friendship. Who knows. But I have appreciated all the people I have kept in touch with and I am thankful for blogs and reconnecting. And I agree with you. The friends are the ones who check the blog AND leave comments. Has your husband left yet and how are you killing time?
Jen, This is intersting to hear this from a perspective of someone who is married. I have seen this happen with close girl friends of mine that have gotten married, girls that I have known since I was in elementary school and then when they got married the relationship totally changed and I felt they were the ones who cut the ties. It is sad, but it is just part of growing up. YOu are right, though, the real friendhsips are the ones that are going to last through all of that. And like any relationship in any point in our lives, they take effort. And so when we or our friends get married it is like a test to see how much effort we are willing to put into relatinoships with friends.
Relationship tests are fascinating, depressing, and surprising. And yes, we newlyweds definitely don't have the corner on friend tests.
Meg, Todd left July 5 (at about 11 AM PST, but who's counting?) and he is done this Friday! Yea!! I see him again on Friday at 12:40 AM CST (but who's counting) and then we're driving home together. I've actually been really busy--my family and friends have done a great job keeping me distracted.
What a deep thought you have there Jen!! I must say, I did not have too many friends before I got married, so I do not think that you concerns are really my own. However, I do think that it is hard to stay friends with people who are single, I don't know why, it just is.
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